WEDDING PREP 101
'First of all, Introduction! na me wey sing.....Nahh i no sabi sing nada, Lool. Had to laff @the title of this post and the intro. This is what Olamide (the Nigerian musician) has done to us thanks to his addictive lyrics. Oya back to the post, guess what my readers---Ur Gal is Married!!!!!!!!! I know right, so me this crazy, sugar high comical girl found someone to marry me! I swear na God o!looll. Honestly it still hasn't dawned on us yet that we are married.E fit be u!!loool, ignore me please, u know i'm cray by now. Soo le boo and i got married on May 16 & 17, 2014 (Traditional & White wedding) Check here and here and here for pics and more. This post will be the first of a Wedding Prep Series which will highlight the necessary next steps to take after proposal or confirmation that he is 'Da 1' and u'r both ready to take the next step- from meeting the parents to the Introduction Ceremony, Church Counselling,Budgeting, Planning the wedding and finally having the wedding. Hopefully it'll help any new brides out there that are planning their wedding themselves and happen to stumble on my blog.
I planned my wedding myself (You can mail me if you need the services of a wedding planner) and it was not as stressful as i'd thought it would be because we started planning on time and i had a lot of resources at my disposal which i'll share with you in a bit. I literally did not take leave off work till the Thursday-a day before my traditional wedding ceremony- when i had to go to my parent's house. Lemme mention now that we did not follow the popular order of events (in Nigeria at least) which is usually the Proposal before the Introduction Ceremony, ours was the other way around. So let's get to the different topics:
1. Meeting the Folks (His & Mine)
Ma Peoples!!!!This topic right here is super duper important!! It can make or break your relationship and u definitely wanna be on the good side of your inlaws-to-be. In my opinion it is safest to meet each other's folks individually in a less formal setting before any of the formal ceremony. Trust me, it sets the tone for every other event that happens after the meeting. In my case, his folks live in Kaduna while mine stay in Abuja. He met my mum first and of course she quizzed the hell out of him (spiritually, his livelihood, future plans, why he is with me, etc.), i had given him the heads up though about how she can be in order to prepare him for the meeting (its advisable to do this to help your bf/fiance have a smooth meeting with the family), he met my dad much later when things had gotten way more serious and it was a very chilled meeting 'cos my dad just jisted with him, though i'm sure he met my mum behind-the-scenes to get her view and all the info bout my boo. I met his folks a bit later, we travelled to their family house in Kaduna and this time i was the one getting quizzed by his mum, thankfully he had prepped me as well. We both have quite chill folks so it was nice and once the first meeting kicked off on the right foot, the other meetings kinda fell in place.
Tip: Fill in ur significant other about the characters of your parents and what they should expect so that they are not caught off guard and floored, in the interest of ur relationship.
2. Don't go overboard trying to please potential in-laws, do ur best to be urself because this is the only act u will be able to keep up long term-after the wedding.
After meeting the folks informally, you can visit each other's parents occasionally to familiarize with them and vice-versa as well as getting to know each other's siblings, their lifestyle, etc. They are going to become ur new family, so the sooner you get to know more about them the better. I should state at this point though that you should do ur best to not go overboard in trying to please your potential in-laws, why?? because it may work against you after marriage, yup!! especially if you can't keep it up. Trust me on this. Lemme give u 2 examples:
Exp 1: I am not the type to frequently call older people, aunties, uncles, my parents, etc. its just awkward for me, i can't explain it, even chats and sms. So after getting introduced to the boo's fam, i got their phone no.s, etc. His siblings, i could easily chat with or call up because they were around my age range and younger, the issue was the folks, i tried my best to call and check on them especially his mum, but i did not overdo it because i knew i wouldn't be able to keep it up. She's a naturally chatty person and i can be as well but with older folks, its just quite draining and forced for me after a while. At our Introduction ceremony, she brought it up and complained to my mum that i don't call her as frequently as she'd love me to, my mum hugged her and told her not to take it personal because that's how i am and i don't even call them-my parents-often either. She was at ease after my mum told her that.loll. but i do call, sms her wen i can and on important dates, new months, etc.
Exp 2: A friend of mine in the bid to please her potential in-laws used to call her boo's mum practically every day but after the wedding, she couldn't keep it up and the calls reduced, it didn't matter to her now mother-in-law that they lived not too far from them and visited often. Her mother-in-law told her she had changed since the wedding because she was with her son now and she doesn't care about her or call her anymore. GASP! reallyyy! bear in mind that my friend visits her and calls once in a while even in her busy schedule. Truth is you also can't totally blame her mother-in-law for thinking that way, before you married her son, you had a certain behaviour towards her and after the wedding, it changed, she obviously feels its because you have gotten what you wanted-her son- and you don't need her anymore.
I hope with these 2 examples you get what i mean by not goin overboard trying to please potential in-laws, truth is when they get used to a particular character with you during the 'dating/courtship' period, its hard to wean them off it after the wedding without clashes.
2. Introduction Ceremony
Yahhhh, so after visiting both our parents occasionally, we decided to take things a bit further by introducing the mothers via phone 'cos they were in different locations and making sure they started blending and getting used to one another. You know women na, me i think this part is necessary, and if they are in the same location, it won't be a bad idea for them to meet up in a neutral place, maybe a quiet restaurant,etc. anywhere u know they'll feel comfy sha. The way we picked an Intro date was kinda weird, the boo n i were just jisting one day and i told him my mum had been bugging me asking when we would do a formal introduction of both families, he said ok, we should pick a date, i discussed with my mum and she suggested Saturday Nov 2nd, 2013 and we discussed with his mum who confirmed the date was ok with them to travel down to Abuja for the meeting and so the date was set and things were set in motion. I told them i wanted a small indoor introduction ceremony, no loud noise, canopies, etc. I feel that's so unnecessary, especially if you are not from a big or popular. The major point of an introduction ceremony is for both families to meet one on one, get to know each other, where they are from, meet the two children intending to get married, advice them, and let the parents know both children are serious about taking the necessary steps towards marriage. Meaning, your parents won't find it funny if you bring another man to introduce to them after this ceremony, especially if everything goes smoothly during the ceremony.
You are basically official courting once the introduction ceremony is over and is a success.
In my case, after the date was set, our mums informed the necessary family members to be present at the ceremony then on my end, we started making preparations as the host.
On my mum's part, she had to organize a caterer for the ceremony, she got the list of items the guy's family is supposed to bring when coming from her family, we drew up a programme & printed copies on white paper (nothing serious) and got one of her friends to commit to coordinating the event (MC), arranged for a videographer and photographer to capture the ceremony, bought the gifts to be presented to the guy's family (usually not too many items), arranged for an 'Alaga'- this is the person in charge of introducing the family members, some people have 2 separate 'Alaga' at the ceremony, one for each family; we decided to use just one for both families.
The Alaga is a key part of the ceremony (You can leave the Mother's to pick the Alaga) 'cos she will do more speaking than even the MC sef, she has to be accustomed to tribes of both families, know some popular tribal songs, adages, jokes, speak and understand the tribal languages/dialect of the families, etc. to get the guests entertained and happy. Click here to check Aisle Perfect's post on Introduction.
Tip: Help her outline all the things she has to do so that she doesn't hyperventilate and lash out unnecessarily.
2. Try to get an estimate for the no. of guests, it'll help plan properly (Consult with your boo's mom to know the people to plan for on their end)
On my part, I got an outfit sewn with gele (headtie) and ipele and jewellry, invited 2 of my friends and reviewed the Intro list with my mum (I cut out some unnecessary things-YES- that list is not written in stone and can be amended, the quantity requested for some of the items was just ridiculous and my mum agreed so we did some adjustments of our own and we now have our own streamlined family list we can use again for my sis when she's getting ready for marriage), cleaned & re-arranged our sitting room to contain the guests we were expecting.
Tip: You may want to get someone to do your makeup (i did mine myself) and tie your gele (my aunt handled this) with Ipele (a piece of aso-oke usually draped over the shoulder)
2. You'll need at least 1 friend to keep you company before you are told to join the ceremony and to dance out with you.
On the boo's part, he also got an outfit sewn (white-we chose this 'cos its a neutral and would go with whatever color of outfit i pick without us wearing the exact same colors and being all 'matchy') and a cap matching my gele (orange) and we went shopping for the items on the list together (the and one of his aunt's helped wrap them up and keep till the day of the Intro when they were presented to the family. He informed his friends 'cos they needed to be there to 'dobale' (prostrate) with him.
Tip: He should practice his prostrating skills if lacking, else he'll be teased.
2. He needs some friends around to join in prostrating and keep him company
On my dad's part, he provided the cash for all the preparation from my side of course!lol. He also arranged for a DJ, Microphone n small speaker, 2 small canopies and chairs that were set up in our compound for guests to eat after the event, Generator (can't trust Nepa)
On le boo's family's part, they brought the items on the list, informed necessary family members of the event and were present.
The introduction ceremony is mainly the bride-to-be's family's responsibility because they are the hosts. They have to make sure their guests are comfortable and well catered to.
Tip: Give le boo's family the list early enough so they can make the necessary arrangement
The ceremony lasted about 2hours, it started around 11am and ended around 1pm. Check out this link for the full programme of events. The girl stays indoors till she's told to come out dancing, the she joins the guy who's gonna be already seated at the area kept for you both. After the ceremony you'll have to go round and greet guests and thank them, basically be cordial, smiling and attend to any needs they may have.
Our prospective wedding date was selected decided on this day, after the ceremony between us and our parents. The prospective date selected was May 16/17, 2014. I say 'prospective' because it could have changed mostly due to church approval, national holiday or events, weather conditions, etc..
Tip: Check out your Church calendar, National calendar and Monthly Weather condition before selecting the prospective wedding date to reduce the possibility of the date changing.
You are basically official courting once the introduction ceremony is over and is a success.
In my case, after the date was set, our mums informed the necessary family members to be present at the ceremony then on my end, we started making preparations as the host.
On my mum's part, she had to organize a caterer for the ceremony, she got the list of items the guy's family is supposed to bring when coming from her family, we drew up a programme & printed copies on white paper (nothing serious) and got one of her friends to commit to coordinating the event (MC), arranged for a videographer and photographer to capture the ceremony, bought the gifts to be presented to the guy's family (usually not too many items), arranged for an 'Alaga'- this is the person in charge of introducing the family members, some people have 2 separate 'Alaga' at the ceremony, one for each family; we decided to use just one for both families.
The Alaga is a key part of the ceremony (You can leave the Mother's to pick the Alaga) 'cos she will do more speaking than even the MC sef, she has to be accustomed to tribes of both families, know some popular tribal songs, adages, jokes, speak and understand the tribal languages/dialect of the families, etc. to get the guests entertained and happy. Click here to check Aisle Perfect's post on Introduction.
Tip: Help her outline all the things she has to do so that she doesn't hyperventilate and lash out unnecessarily.
2. Try to get an estimate for the no. of guests, it'll help plan properly (Consult with your boo's mom to know the people to plan for on their end)
On my part, I got an outfit sewn with gele (headtie) and ipele and jewellry, invited 2 of my friends and reviewed the Intro list with my mum (I cut out some unnecessary things-YES- that list is not written in stone and can be amended, the quantity requested for some of the items was just ridiculous and my mum agreed so we did some adjustments of our own and we now have our own streamlined family list we can use again for my sis when she's getting ready for marriage), cleaned & re-arranged our sitting room to contain the guests we were expecting.
Tip: You may want to get someone to do your makeup (i did mine myself) and tie your gele (my aunt handled this) with Ipele (a piece of aso-oke usually draped over the shoulder)
2. You'll need at least 1 friend to keep you company before you are told to join the ceremony and to dance out with you.
On the boo's part, he also got an outfit sewn (white-we chose this 'cos its a neutral and would go with whatever color of outfit i pick without us wearing the exact same colors and being all 'matchy') and a cap matching my gele (orange) and we went shopping for the items on the list together (the and one of his aunt's helped wrap them up and keep till the day of the Intro when they were presented to the family. He informed his friends 'cos they needed to be there to 'dobale' (prostrate) with him.
Tip: He should practice his prostrating skills if lacking, else he'll be teased.
2. He needs some friends around to join in prostrating and keep him company
On my dad's part, he provided the cash for all the preparation from my side of course!lol. He also arranged for a DJ, Microphone n small speaker, 2 small canopies and chairs that were set up in our compound for guests to eat after the event, Generator (can't trust Nepa)
On le boo's family's part, they brought the items on the list, informed necessary family members of the event and were present.
The introduction ceremony is mainly the bride-to-be's family's responsibility because they are the hosts. They have to make sure their guests are comfortable and well catered to.
Tip: Give le boo's family the list early enough so they can make the necessary arrangement
The ceremony lasted about 2hours, it started around 11am and ended around 1pm. Check out this link for the full programme of events. The girl stays indoors till she's told to come out dancing, the she joins the guy who's gonna be already seated at the area kept for you both. After the ceremony you'll have to go round and greet guests and thank them, basically be cordial, smiling and attend to any needs they may have.
Our prospective wedding date was selected decided on this day, after the ceremony between us and our parents. The prospective date selected was May 16/17, 2014. I say 'prospective' because it could have changed mostly due to church approval, national holiday or events, weather conditions, etc..
Tip: Check out your Church calendar, National calendar and Monthly Weather condition before selecting the prospective wedding date to reduce the possibility of the date changing.
General Notes: I had my introduction ceremony before Le boo's proposal with a ring and all the papparazzi. lol (i kinda like that it happened like this, i'll explain why in my proposal post)
2. You can check out this link to key documents you will need for the ceremony, most families have a template but if not this can help in knowing what is usually required so you don't get overwhelmed.
3. The introduction gift is usually made up of Cartons of wine, juice, soft drinks, biscuits,sweets, etc.
4. My husband and I are Yoruba and Christian, so everything described in this post is related to the Yoruba custom. The Introduction Ceremony will vary across other tribes and religion. Consult your married family members to know what to expect and plan accordingly.
5. Some people don't move further after the Introduction Ceremony due to a varied no. of issues (Family Incompatibility, etc.)
6. The prospective wedding date is usually decided on between the parents and the intending couple after this ceremony
7.Wedding planning proper usually commences after this ceremony
8. The 2 of you have to dress and look good as this is the 1st official meeting with the parents and families.
Here's a list of some Books I have read:
3. The introduction gift is usually made up of Cartons of wine, juice, soft drinks, biscuits,sweets, etc.
4. My husband and I are Yoruba and Christian, so everything described in this post is related to the Yoruba custom. The Introduction Ceremony will vary across other tribes and religion. Consult your married family members to know what to expect and plan accordingly.
5. Some people don't move further after the Introduction Ceremony due to a varied no. of issues (Family Incompatibility, etc.)
6. The prospective wedding date is usually decided on between the parents and the intending couple after this ceremony
7.Wedding planning proper usually commences after this ceremony
8. The 2 of you have to dress and look good as this is the 1st official meeting with the parents and families.
3. Pre-Marriage Counselling
Next thing after the Introduction Ceremony is successfully completed and all relevant parties are on the same page about the intending couples is to formally inform the church of your intentions and prospective wedding date. This will set the necessary things in motion, if you are under a 'parish' and they don't handle wedding ceremonies or have an in-house counselling team or you want the ceremony done in a different parish/church, they will forward your details to the necessary people. They quizzed us a bit about our intentions to get married and gave us the counselling forms (this is a lengthy detailed form requiring your personal information, sexual status & history, summary of your spiritual journey-conversion, post in church, etc; work status, financial capability and stability, past relationships, conviction about the partner you have chosen to marry and more) to fill. Our parents also submitted letters of consent to church, the content basically confirms they are aware and in full support of our intentions to get married. We were then scheduled for a counselling session, due to our tight work schedules, we picked a weekend schedule-Sat afternoons, Sunday (After Service).
Hmmmm our counselling session was quite an experience (post coming soon), imagine having to explain your whole life to a panel of practically strangers and why you are convicted you have chosen the right partner to settle with and trying to convince them it's for real and they should join you in the sight of God and Man; it requires a lot of patience honestly. After our 1st session of 'drilling' which was quite uncomfortable and annoying, i was all riled up and ready to just have a court wedding and a reception afterwards and wrap things up after all its also in the sight of God and Man and legally binding. They were very judgemental and in attack mode. Le boo was calm and convinced me to attend another session which was way warmer than the first and they explained the aim of counselling sessions and why it appeared so gruelling and tedious and tried to make us comfortable enough to speak freely with them. With the prevalent cases of divorce and separations, they want to be free of blame of not having counselled the intending couples properly or 'opened' their eyes better to see one another before deciding to still get married (Some intending couples realise they are incompatible and go their separate ways after some counselling sessions). I do not agree with all the teachings but the founding principles are definitely key to the success of any marriage. I definitely recommend active participation in counselling classes and keeping an open mind to the teachings, asking questions and discussing, it really does help in the long run. No matter how long you've been with your partner or how well you think you may know them, even if you guys live together, or have discussed all the possible faces of life at length, you will still learn more about each other from these classes. There's just something about having a 3rd party seeing things from outside the 'couple box' that brings a different kinda clarity, different scenarios are brought up and from your response on proposed reactions to such, they can counsel the intending couple properly and explain the though patterns, how to compromise, better approaches to dealing with situations, etc. and it may also reveal the root of some issues which cause quarrels. I definitely benefited from our counselling sessions, they had a manual which was given to us to study after our wedding ceremony. The session touches many different issues from personality types, communication, sex, having kids, money management, planning a wedding ceremony, living in harmony, handling in-laws and more.
I did a lot of personal research, reading, watching, studying of couples i know, mostly out of curiosity but also to see how it works.
Tip: Do a lot of personal reading of relationship and marital books/listen to audio messages & books/watch videos if available; Read relationship marital blogs from both old and new couples to get the different perspectives and perceptions by both (not all info gathered through these sources may be spot on but you will definitely learn a thing or 2 from them).
2. Materials on Love, Communication, Personality type, Differences between the 2 genders, Sex & Romance, Health and other relationship-related issues will be very useful. There is a wealth of wisdom in the world which we can access and although life situations and scenarios may differ per individual, hearing from people who have walked the path successfully can help one make informed decisions or give understanding and enlightenment as a whole.
3. You MUST Share and Discuss deeply with your intended partner on your learnings and findings, it makes the relationship more fluid and develops a better understanding as to how you both think and view life and more. There is no point having all that knowledge and keeping it to yourself, It takes 2 committed individuals to have a successful relationship.
4. Keep learning even after marriage, they say marriage is the only school one gets the certificate before getting into and the only school one never graduates from a.k.a. Its supposed to last a lifetime.
Hmmmm our counselling session was quite an experience (post coming soon), imagine having to explain your whole life to a panel of practically strangers and why you are convicted you have chosen the right partner to settle with and trying to convince them it's for real and they should join you in the sight of God and Man; it requires a lot of patience honestly. After our 1st session of 'drilling' which was quite uncomfortable and annoying, i was all riled up and ready to just have a court wedding and a reception afterwards and wrap things up after all its also in the sight of God and Man and legally binding. They were very judgemental and in attack mode. Le boo was calm and convinced me to attend another session which was way warmer than the first and they explained the aim of counselling sessions and why it appeared so gruelling and tedious and tried to make us comfortable enough to speak freely with them. With the prevalent cases of divorce and separations, they want to be free of blame of not having counselled the intending couples properly or 'opened' their eyes better to see one another before deciding to still get married (Some intending couples realise they are incompatible and go their separate ways after some counselling sessions). I do not agree with all the teachings but the founding principles are definitely key to the success of any marriage. I definitely recommend active participation in counselling classes and keeping an open mind to the teachings, asking questions and discussing, it really does help in the long run. No matter how long you've been with your partner or how well you think you may know them, even if you guys live together, or have discussed all the possible faces of life at length, you will still learn more about each other from these classes. There's just something about having a 3rd party seeing things from outside the 'couple box' that brings a different kinda clarity, different scenarios are brought up and from your response on proposed reactions to such, they can counsel the intending couple properly and explain the though patterns, how to compromise, better approaches to dealing with situations, etc. and it may also reveal the root of some issues which cause quarrels. I definitely benefited from our counselling sessions, they had a manual which was given to us to study after our wedding ceremony. The session touches many different issues from personality types, communication, sex, having kids, money management, planning a wedding ceremony, living in harmony, handling in-laws and more.
I did a lot of personal research, reading, watching, studying of couples i know, mostly out of curiosity but also to see how it works.
Tip: Do a lot of personal reading of relationship and marital books/listen to audio messages & books/watch videos if available; Read relationship marital blogs from both old and new couples to get the different perspectives and perceptions by both (not all info gathered through these sources may be spot on but you will definitely learn a thing or 2 from them).
2. Materials on Love, Communication, Personality type, Differences between the 2 genders, Sex & Romance, Health and other relationship-related issues will be very useful. There is a wealth of wisdom in the world which we can access and although life situations and scenarios may differ per individual, hearing from people who have walked the path successfully can help one make informed decisions or give understanding and enlightenment as a whole.
3. You MUST Share and Discuss deeply with your intended partner on your learnings and findings, it makes the relationship more fluid and develops a better understanding as to how you both think and view life and more. There is no point having all that knowledge and keeping it to yourself, It takes 2 committed individuals to have a successful relationship.
4. Keep learning even after marriage, they say marriage is the only school one gets the certificate before getting into and the only school one never graduates from a.k.a. Its supposed to last a lifetime.
General Notes: My Church is the Redeemed Christian Church of God (RCCG), so the church procedure described in this post is related to this denomination, although it is fairly similar for all Pentecostal churches.
2. The counselling session and wedding ceremony is usually held in the bride-to-be's church or her parent's church. Sometimes counselling is held in both of the couple's churches, this depends on the individuals and how attached to their churches they are.
3. Some churches hold group counselling sessions, so the earlier you inform them the better so you can be scheduled into a group.
4. The common duration for the marriage counselling is 3-6 months depending on the church, ours was 6 months
4. The common duration for the marriage counselling is 3-6 months depending on the church, ours was 6 months
Here's a list of some Books I have read:
- The Bible- Find passages in the bible related to love, relationship, marriage and the allowed code of conduct and increase your knowledge base 1st hand not only from listening to a preacher.
- The Total Marriage by Jeffrey & Patterjean Brown - I thoroughly enjoyed this book and it is definitely my top fave book
- To Have & to Hold by Van Pelt
- Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray
- Why you act the way you do by Tim LaHaye
- Rules of Love by Richard Templar
- Rules of Parenting by Richard Templar
- 33 steps to Honourable Marriage by Richard & Alice Adesokan
- Harmony in Marriage by Richard & Alice Adesokan
- 6 Secrets to a Long Lasting Marriage by Dr. Gary C& Barbara Rosberg
- The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord by T. D. Jakes
- Act like a Lady, Think like a Man by Steve Harvey with Denene Millner
- If you want Breakfast in Bed, Sleep in the Kitchen! by Dave Meurer
- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
- Every Woman by Derek Llewellyn-Jones (reading a male version of this if available is also useful)
- His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley
Check out this cool souvenir and Key Wedding Docs,
My Pinterest Wedding Board as well as my previous blogposts on weddings, planning & marriage- Wedding Palava, Shopping Online, Life as a new wifey , Baby Pressure, Wedding Guest Expenses and lots more. I hope this info is helpful and useful to you in your preparations, i had to figure most of these things out myself and decided to write the series to help out other future brides-to-be; if you have any questions feel free to ask in the comment section.
My Pinterest Wedding Board as well as my previous blogposts on weddings, planning & marriage- Wedding Palava, Shopping Online, Life as a new wifey , Baby Pressure, Wedding Guest Expenses and lots more. I hope this info is helpful and useful to you in your preparations, i had to figure most of these things out myself and decided to write the series to help out other future brides-to-be; if you have any questions feel free to ask in the comment section.
Toodles!XooX
