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| NO I AM NOT PREGGERS |
9 months after the wedding is the exact date they want a child to pop out of you. If this does not occur, there is a problem, they do not care if you are doing family planning (don't even mention this to them!), getting to know each other better as a couple, creating a better living and financial situation, etc. If you watch NollyWood you know what i mean.
Their eye is on their goal, to beat their peers or join them as the case may be, by acquiring the title 'grandparent'. Of course they also want what they 'feel' is best for you; And the baby pressure is not limited to only the parents & grandparents, relatives, colleagues, friends, acquaintances and the likes will also play their part in the baby pressure game. Read from others on the subject here and here.
When did the baby pressure start in our case? Immediately after our wedding reception guys, IMMEDIATELY!!
I mean, everyone had left and we were preparing to head off to our hotel and crash when we were intercepted by the aunties!
Just 2 days before the wedding, sex was off topic (it was hardly even addressed during our pre-marital counselling) and now that we were officially married, sex was a serious topic and moreso how to IMMEDIATELY get pregnant. WHYY??!! We did not get married to instantly have kids, of course children are a blessing but we'll gladly wait. Also the pressure is mostly directed at the woman.
Major Reasons for Baby Pressure:
- Marriage at an older age- The couple are both not young and one or both of them are ready to immediately have kids or basically got married just to have kids (Some couples put the pressure on their spouse and on themselves).
- Peer Pressure- The couple or one of them want to be at the same level as their peers including having kids so they can join the 'parents club' or 'yummymummies' and flaunt their cuties. People like this are always bothered and thinking about what people will say.
- To Not 'Lose' Out- In some families you can be quickly set aside and have another woman take your place if you don't give birth asap and this also spreads to distribution of resources (money, etc.) for family welfare, inheritance and the likes; forcing women to go out of their way to have kids just for validation, etc.
- To Get Married- Most people are forced into marriage with who they are pregnant for or who is pregnant for them. Many have used this an excuse to 'tie down' men or women they are dating. Also some families make this a requirement for young couples before they 'allow' them to marry.
- To Avoid the Stigma- In Nigeria, especially, there is a stigma that comes with delays in having a child, suspected infertility and infertility. Sadly women are the victims of this stigma and shaming and are the ones made to feel like failures most of the time. Last time i checked though, it is God that gives children and it involves both the man and woman.
- Biological clock ticking-'Ile obirin o n pe su' (A Woman's fertility is time dependent-typically after 35yrs there is a decline). The earlier you try to have kids, the more fertile you are and the easier it is to get ur body back in shape (this is true but Technology has come a long way to help).
- Continuation of the Family lineage- We all know how most Nigerians feel about having children, grandchildren, etc. to carry on the family name hence why they consider having sons a big deal and moreso an achievement.
- Milestone/Status check- When most parents & grandparents have met most of their milestones in life, all that's left for them is to attain the status of Grandparent or Great Grandparent and their life milestones will be complete!
- Eager Parents-Parents are eager to meet their Grand-children and Great grand children if possible (before kicking the bucket)
- Eager Grandparents-Grandparents are more eager to meet their Great Grandchildren/Great-great-grand children (before kicking the bucket)
- They want you to join the Parents' club/Women's Meeting- In some parts of Nigeria, you cannot join the 'Women's Meetings' until you have birth your 1st Child. Some others want you to become parents so you have kids in common, can plan play dates, exchange ideas on raising kids,etc. Some others are just tired of seeing you live the fun couple life and want you to feel the stress that can come with having kids a.k.a make una see as tins dey be; remember when you'd annoy ur mum and she would say she can't wait for you to have your own kids, yup.
- They don't want to be alone- There are some couples who have also chosen to live a no-kid life @the moment and some of them constantly want to confirm that they are not alone in this decision. In other cases there are couples who are struggling with infertility and need constant reassurance and uplifting from people in similar situations.
- Busy bodies- These are people that just like Panadol for headache wey u no get. They want to know what's happening with everybody (if there's a problem or otherwise) mostly for gossip and ask questions accordingly with no restraint. Strangers, Acquaintances, Colleagues and Extended family especially the ones you are not close to usually make up this category. Most Nigerians have no concept of personal space or being intrusive.
- Curious People- These are people who ask out of curiosity, some just wanna see if your kids will be cute, wanna know why you don't have kids yet, they can't wait to spoil ur baby with cute stuff and drool over them, etc.
- Truly Concerned People- These are people who wanna know if there's any reason for the delay (family planning, miscarriage, medical problems, etc.)so they can advise accordingly or provide support (medical, emotional or otherwise). Close friends and family usually fall in this category
- A way to tell you they are pregnant-Some people don't know how to approach telling their married acquaintances/friends (especially those that got married before them and don't have kids yet)that they are preggers so they ask if you're pregnant to get the convo started.
Some of these convos individually did not put pressure on me but imagine having to CONSTANTLY (almost daily at a point) answer questions and talk about why you don't have a kid. It's exhausting and after a while you start to think if you are making the right decision, what if something is wrong with you and other negative thoughts.
You have to be really strong mentally and emotionally to not let any of this get to you AT ALL and although i am, honestly it did get to me sometimes; imagine how much worse it'd have been if we did have issues and medical reasons for not having kids. Some friends have confided in me about how stressed and anxious they are and some of them haven't even been married up to one year!
During our Traditional Wedding
Dad: declared he'll be the youngest grandfather to everyone and anyone who cared to listen or pay attention to him.
Me: *YIMU*
Me: *YIMU*
Immediately after our wedding reception
Aunts: Let us pray with the newest couple before you head off to ur hotel
Us: Ok ma
Aunts: Prayed with us
Us: Amen, thank you ma
Aunts: We also wanted to advise you on some things, you should start eating oats, boiled plantain, etc and reduce ur sugar intake. You guys are not kids again
Us: oooo kkkkkk
Aunts: Yes, and try to have a glass of juice by ur side after sex to drink and re-energise yourselves; Tosin u have to stay put after so that everything can flow to where it should (i am paraphrasing here u guys). Missionary position is good and you can put ur legs up for a while after to help along the sperm. You are both no longer kids.
Us: hmmm.o.k thank u ma, we'll be going now
Aunts: You should spend most of your wedding night praying fervently and you can consummate after
Us: yes ma.
They said more things we left out. It was super awkward and we couldn't believe our ears. Thanks for the advise though.
Our Wedding gifts: Baby towels. baby robe, baby toys, baby bed with net and a baby walker.
I gave them all out to my pregnant friends.
Our Wedding gifts: Baby towels. baby robe, baby toys, baby bed with net and a baby walker.
I gave them all out to my pregnant friends.
During the Church Service (Barely 6 months after we got married)
Parish Pastor: Please we would like you both to wait behind after the service
(i REALLYY hate waiting after the service is over, we suffered this constantly when we were younger with my mum)
Us: Ok Sir
Parish Pastors (Husband & Wife): We called you to discuss something important. Your mum asked us to speak with you, if there's anything you can't tell them and you'd rather confide in us about getting pregnant.
Us: No there's no issue
Them: We also told her to not worry, that bodies react and adjust differently to each other, some bond immediately and get pregnant while for others it may take a while.
Us: yeah
Them: We hope you guys are not doing any family planning, you are too young to worry about things like that.
Us: O.K
Them: It took us 13years to have a child and it was due to a minor medical issue that took 3 days of treatment to cure after diagnosis and we started having our kids shortly after. Please carry out all the medical tests necessary, both of you, not only the woman has fertility issues. In our case, it was my husband that had the issue and he absolutely refused to go to the hospital for 13 years because he felt the problem could not be with him and i as the wife had to endure all sorts of abuse and insults from strangers and family.
Us: Thank you, we are grateful for your advise. By God's grace we will have no issues.
Them: Amen and we will keep you in our prayers.
After Church Service
Church Member (a Doctor): Please can i have a word with you both?
Us: Sure sir
Him: I just wanted to discuss with you both about pregnancy and having kids. You are both very young and it is ok to wait a while or do family planning before having kids. My wife and I wanted to wait about a year before starting to have kids but there was so much pressure that we changed our plan. Don't allow yourselves be pressured, do the necessary medical tests and enjoy your youth and solo time together 'cos once the kids come they will take up all ur time
Us: Thank you so much sir, we appreciate you taking out time to talk to us
Him: You can consult with me or my hospital whenever you feel the need
Us: Sure thing, thank you again sir.
Mum: My Friend said she's sure I'm a grandmum by now
Me: Rily? u dint tell her we'v not b married up to 6months
Mum: Shrugged
Me: Smh
Client: You don't even look like a married woman, enjoy this your shape now o before baby will come along. I used to be like you when i got newly married.
Me: Lol. thanks. I get that comment a lot, i'm still newly married though and we don't plan on having kids soon
Her: My dear don't say that o, i'm talking from experience, i used to think like you and got an IUD and we are still waiting on God for a child
Me: Ok.
I did not bother engaging her because i could understand her point of view but i do know what works or doesn't work for one person doesn't necessarily apply to others. I won't be scared into taking such a crucial step because of one persons unpleasant experience.
Office friends constantly asking me @ different times: are u pregnant? what are you waiting for? hurry up o and other such comments
Me: Nope. Tired of answering u gals. Please stop asking me. You will know eventually 'cos my tummy will EVENTUALLY protrude. *sigh*, Ignored them.
I eventually stopped going to check on them in their offices and consciously avoided them so i don't have to be engaged in conversations. They finally took the hint and stopped bugging me.
Aunt: Is it kicking?
Me: There's no kicking here
Aunt: Just settle down n let him do what he needs and feed him well so he can have energy
Me: o.k
Ended Convo.
Mum:What's happening there *poking my tummy*?
Me: Nothing's happening, You all r stressing me out asking me, Its barely 4 months we've been married, wen it happens u'll be the 1st to know
Mum: This is d 1st time I'm asking o, It is well, i will stop asking so you don't feel pressured and i'll put it in prayer
Me: Thank you
Mum's aunt: How far pelu oro omo (with child matter)?
Me: In God's time ma.
Her: Amin o
Via SMS
Aunt: Kilonshele, ba mi soro (What's happening, talk to me)
Me: We are fine ma, no issues, thank u for ur concern
Aunt: Prayer
Via BBM outta the blue
Cousin: How r u, the fam and wok?
Me: We thank God, U?
Cousin: I'm aii
Me: Cool
Cousin: Baby nko?
Me: Which baby?
Cousin: or r u still doing sisi?
Me:
Closed the chat
Mum: Bro. Sola's wife just gave birth, i went to see them and help her out with the baby today
Me: Eeya, that's cool. Congrats to him and that was very nice of you
Mum: Se ki ya o (hurry up o), emi na fe wa je (i also want to eat) jollof rice o
Me: If its jollof rice you want, i have plenty, i can even make more for you,
Mum: U're not serious! I mean naming ceremony rice of my grandchild
Me: lol. ohh. In God's time ehn, for now enjoy the ones from others
Mum: Amen, iwo lo mo (that's my cup of tea) Ire a kari o (May the blessings go round).
Sis: Wen will u mk me an aunty na?
Me: I dnt knw wat u mean
I was looking nice, jisting with some of my colleagues in the office corridor and they were complementing my dressing.
Random Office dude: Se oko re n sun ni (Is ur husband sleeping) abi is he shooting blanks?
Me: Ignored him and walked away
Aunt: I pray u will be busting @d seams this year, we dont know whats happening o
Me: Amen ma, In God's time
Aunt: Don't stress o, kan fi okan ara e bale (just put your mind at rest)
I was at their family house cooking for them
MIL: My dear, ku ise (well done) i have been wanting to discuss something very important with you.
Me: Ok ma
Her: I want to plead with you for something, promise you will try your best on it
Me: Of course ma, as long as it is within my power
Her: Thank you my darling, it is within your power
Me: Ok ma
Her: I was asking your husband how far with you guys having kids and he said he is not ready yet and i should not disturb you about any child issue. You know he is a man, he does not understand all these things, that's why i came to meet you secretly, don't tell him about this our discussion o. You are the one that will know how to convince him about this.
Me: Ok ma, i'll do my best
Her: Ose (thanks) my dear, i know i can count on you. Oluwa a de fun e se (God will assist you)
Me: Amen.
Continued Cooking and told my husband when he came back although i told him not to mention it to her.
Office Lawyer: is 'NU' preggy? Her tummy is bulging a bit in dis pic n she looks like she has added weight.
Me: Nah,its just d pic angle,she's still skinny with a flat tummy
Her: What about u? What r u gals waiting for? Imagine i know a couple that said they plan to wait 2yrs before having a baby, i told her she's not serious. So u wen r u having yours?
Me: In God's time.
and then i switched to conversing with someone else and she left. Then she came back.
Her: Sorry, i hope i dint offend u, i was just asking. Even i and my husband,it took a while for us to have a kid and u never know who has issues and can be offended by the question. Now we have them and we are trying to run away from them,so i came back to clarify.
Me: ok, no problem.
Close Friend: Are u preggers now?
Me: Nope
Close Friend: Na wa O. Oga should hurry and fire na
Me: Lmao @Hurry & Fire. Abegi we are doing family planning ehn. Face ur own and go find girlfriend.
Former Boss: So wen are u going to join d club, let oga disfigure u!
Me: Sir, i will shock u guys o, no disfigurement will happen n i don't want to b struggling, soaking garri with baby so in due time.
Him: Fair enough, we shall see.
House Agent: (Calls out of the blue) Hows d baby madam
Me: i don't have a baby
Him: eeyaa sorry ma, i'm really sorry,eeya
Me:O K.
Cut d call.
Random jist
Cousin: That reminds me, i wanna give u a scripture (Psalm 127:3-5) to confess everyday- morning, afternoon & night.
Me: kk
Her: It worked for me
Me: Tnx dear, i'll read it.
Cab driver: Madam u suppose don get bomboy by now o
Me: Really? make we dey drink garri abi.
We laugh n change the subject.
Colleague: Ya Mijinki (hows ur husband)
Me: Lafia (fine)
Him: Ya baby
Me: No baby
Him: Ha! Why na? What r u waiting for?
Me: don't worry soon
Him: pls oo, u r taking too long
Me: no wahala
I walked away.
Friend's hubby: so wen r u guys gonna finish ur honeymoon
Me: huh? ohhhh. sooon. dollar is high at the moment
Him: lol. u wan born dollar ba
Me: lol.
Changed subject to Nigerian economy & work.
Me: I have a headache & i'm hungry
Friend @Work: Its babiesss
Me: lol, no its not, i just finished my period
Her: u can be on ur period while preggers na.
Me: i'm not preggers
Her: ohhhhh why na. i've put u in my prayers oo. i want u to have twins
Me: tufiakwa (God forbid) pls i want 1 at a time, thank u
Her: no oo u'll v twins 'cos u may decide to wait 5yrs before having another baby if u have them 1 by 1 'cos babies are stressful
Me:i dont want twins oo, no thank u
Her: Iya Ibeji (Mother of Twins)
I put up my cousins baby on my DP and a congratulatory message
Friend: Congratulations dear! Where are u?
Me: No be mine o. lol. my cousin's baby
Friend: Tosinnnnnn, i was so so happy *angry face smiley*
Me: lol. No vex ehn
My sis: Guess wat Mummy G asked me today
Me: what?
Sis: if i tell u u'll just get upset
Me: hmm ok
Sis: Mummy G asked me 'is ur sista (me) fat now
Me: fat as in pregnant?
Sis: yeah and i told her no
Me: what did she say?
Sis: she sed why na? and i told her noting
Me: na dem sabi.
Met her on d corridor
Colleague: Saw u on Monday looking really good from afar
Me: thanks it was my anniversary so i decided to doll up
Her: awww, dts nice. How far? i have not seen u pulling ur legs (waddling)
and then she lightly taps my waist to make her point
Me: hahahaha that's a new one (it was a new way of asking to me)
Her: i can't wait
I laughed and entered my office.
Random Phonecall from Colleagues friend
Caller: i hear say ur pikin don almost clock 1yr now
Me: pikin? its a lie oo
Caller: it's on its way coming ba
Me: laughs
Changed subject.
Via BBM
Cousin: How far? U don gree make hubby score goal?
Me:
Her: U no gree answer this question abi?
Me:
Her: changes subject
Via Snapchat
Me: Happy Anniversary of your brand/business!
Friend: Thanks for your patronage and i hope u r pregnant now
Me: cool
Him: huh
Me:
Ended convo
Via Phonecall
Friend @Work: Hey dear, heard u r under d weather so i cald to know if u r preggers
Me: no vex that i'm just calling back, i was ill but i'm better now and will come in 2mw
Her: so r u preggers?
Me: Yes! i wanted to surprise u
Her: really?!! R u serious??!
Me: No i am not jor! No baby here biko, normal illness
Her: u got me, you this silly girl
Me: u'll b one of d 1st to know wen i am don't worry
Her: kk....* changed convo*
Me: Gotta run
Her: kk. Iya Ibeji (Mother of Twins)
Me: mba o (Noo) no twins here, its night n angels r passing abeg
We laugh and End convo.
Me: HBD, TURN UP x 4
School Friend: Tanx! Wait is dere smtn i dnt know? x4??
Me: Nooooo, no baby here. I meant celebrate x 4
Him: Oh i thought u meant there's a baby on d way. Do fast, i want to carry my godson
Me: Its like u r not in dis Nigeria, open a trustfund and lets know u r serious.
Changed Subject.
Me: Heya, just saw an ad with ur pic in it; cald u to tease u
Old friend: oh, thanks jare for some reason i thought u were calling to tell me u r preggers
Me: seriously?? y would i even call just to tell u dat. *smh
Him:dunno, that's just what crossed my mind
Me: K, anyways i'm not.
Changed Subject.
Mum: Mummy D ti e pe mi leni won bere e (Mummy D called and asked after u)
Me: eeya how is she
Mum: she's fine o,won ni o ti e kin pe won (she said u don't even call her)
Me: mo ma pe won (i will call her)
Mum: won ni ki n so fun e pe ko sanu won o, pe won fe wa je ounje omo (she said i should tell you to pity her that she wants to see ur kids)
Me: ehen,in God's time
Mum: amin o, ko wa aye ko pe won o (Amen, find time and call her)
Me: yes ma.
Changed Subject.
Random jist n talking 'bout single life, marriage and how kids affect it, etc.
Me: Everyone's just on my case 'bout kids, its exhausting.
Close friends: so how far? u said u wanted to wait some years n its been a while already
Me: soon soon,u gals should open a trustfund lemme know u r serious about this baby matter.
Anyway, we actually wanted to wait just some years but see how this Nigerian economy just went downhill.pampers n baby food aint cheap o.
Close friends: that's the thing, u can never tell
Me: True, i guess that's why they say there's never a 'best' time to have a kid. Hence d adage 'ori omo lo n pe owo wa ye' (A child's head is what brings forth wealth). Regardless we wanna have some key things in place before having kids. After d naming ceremony everyone practically forgets about u and ur family.
Changed Subject.
Random jist
Friend: so how far pelu oro oyun de yi (with pregnancy matter)
Me: i dint hear u (i really did not hear her)
Her: i said how far with pregnancy matter
Me: pregnancy??
Her: yes na
Me: laughs, theres no pregnancy here o
Her: even my side too, it is well. I hope u have done the necessary tests though
Me: tests? oh, yh we have but we decided to wait a while before having kids that's why there's nothing on our side
Her: ohh ok
Me: but tests are definitely important, people may look well on the outside n something is going on inside d body. I know a number of people that tests helped diagnose n solve their issues instead of trying to no avail. We intend to do the necessary tests again when we are ready to start trying for kids
Her: yesso its true, that's good.
Changed Subject.
Had a serious tummy cramp and held my tummy
Me: Gasp
Colleague: whats wrong? are u ok abi belle don set?
Me: *rme*
Walked out
Via BBM
Friend: How far you? Is there a lil bun in the oven yet?
Me: I'm aite. Nope, same ol' moi
Her: Lol. kk. not even fatter? haba
Me: As in eh, think i'm thinner sef. U nko? Lil bun cooking? (I already knew she was preggers and she wanted me to ask her so she could tell me)
Her: Lol. yes ma'am. As i'm old na i cannot afford to be waiting like you
Me: Lol @old. Na so. Congrats dear, May God keep u both hale & hearty
Her: Amen, Thanks
BIL: Uncle D even asked after u guys o
Me: Oh reeally
Him: Yeah, can u imagine what he was saying even
Me: what?
Him: he said 'no child yet'
Me: lol
Him: He said u guys don't know you're getting old and should have a kid sharp sharp
Me: We're getting old?loll. but he got married and had his kids at 40yrs+ though, if we go by his example we have about 10-14yrs to chill before having kids.
Him: Don't mind them, i even told them u guys may not be ready or u're doing family planning
Me: Exactly
Him: Wen i told him he said 'its not about them being ready, when God is ready and gives them children they just have to take it'
Me: LMAO! So he's God's PA and knows the appointed time we have missed and refused to 'collect' the children
Him: They always eventually end with a saying i'm a kid and 'what do you know'.
Me: Don't mind them, they gon be aite.
Random Phonecall from friend i haven't been in touch with for a while
Friend: Hey dear, how are you? Just calling to check on you, its been a while
Me: Yesso, how are you and the fam (Random Jist)
Her: How far with baby na abi u still dey do this ur 'americana' style
Me: Yesso, i'm still doing americana style for now
Her: U sha ehn! Honestly looking back now i for do like you and waited before having a baby
Changed Subject
Via BBM
Cousin: Hows the honeymoon trip going?
Me: Really fun! Relaxing and its so beautiful over here
Her: Na u dey enjoy o, oya make babies oo.
Me: Lol
Changed Subject.
Random jist
Friend: Glad you guys are having fun, baby nko?
Me: lool, still in heaven o
Changed Subject.
Me: Happy bday ma...other bday greetings
Aunt: tnx my dear, how r u n d fam?
Me: we tnk God ma. how is d fam?
Her: they r fine o
general gist
Her: prays for me n told me not to have any worries, God has a plan for my life and it will come to fruition
Me: amen, thank u aunty, my regards to the fam.
Me: Congrats on ur new born baby dear. May God keep u & ur fam in good health and meet all ur needs
Friend: Amen, tnx dear. We waiting for you o.
Me: Lol. In God's time
Her: Yes i know dear, just teasing u
Me: Sure
Changed my BBM DP
Cousin: Is that a baby bump?
Me: No o
Her: U berra start the process ooo, so that by 30yrs u r done by God's grace
Me: Loool. Sure. When no be 5 children i dey born
Her: Lol. u no fit born 1 per year now. That 5 years, na max children 3 u fit born
Me: I fit na
Her: Abegi
Random jist and sent my friend a pic of me
Friend: The Forever Living Sonya products r really working for ur skin o, See how fresh u are!
Me: They are overworking!
Her: Abi pikin don enter?
Me: Nah, just finished my period even.
Her: ahn ahn looking like a freshly peeled boiled egg. lol
Me: Consistency is d koko,lmao. ko si pikin o, no be pregnancy glow
Her:i'll start using mine more then,lool
Changed Subject.
Via SMS
Mum: There is a programme by Dr. Wada of Garki Hosp about fruit of the womb/fertility at Sheraton Hotel, Ladi Kwali hall by 2pm on Saturday. Its free, your dad says i should tell you.
Me: O.K
Random jist
Close Friend: So i bought this baby blouse, soo cute for u. Please do and have a baby
Me: whatttt?? lmao
Her: don't know why i thought of u when i saw it
Me: Soon dear, don't worry
Her: No rush
Me: lol
Her: Na u go carry am, no be me. lol. so take ur time
Me: U can't wait to do dis baby shopping sha, u don buy blouse fa. What if na boy?
Her: lol
Me: Heya, how r u doing, I'd like to buy some stuff,
Friend that sells stuff: Hii, i'm good. How are you? are you pregnant now?
Me: Nope, i'm not
Him: Say 'not yet'
Me: oooo.k, anyway please get back to me on the items
Him: are you ok?
Me: Yup, i have to go now. Later
Ended Call
My Sis: Dad said i should tell to call him an that i should tell you he's getting old and needs a grandchild
Me: Waaaawuu. Seriously?? He said that? Lmao!! I can't. LOL. Well he has my number.
Tailor: Madam u don add o, abi u don chop 'beans' (are u pregnant)
Me: U no well, na holiday weight, abeg face ur work & finish the measurement. Beans ko Rice ni
Mum's aunt: Ma ko ba mi iwo omo yi (don't put me in trouble u this child)
Me: Ma?
Her: Ki lo n sele pelu oro oyun? (What is happening with u getting pregnant?)
Me: In God's time ma
Her: O je ma pa iro mo oloun ( U better don't tell lies against God)
Me: Laughs* ok. Very soon ma
Her: Jo o (Please o)
Me: Yes ma
Changed the subject
Boss' Friend: This woman you still never drop ne?
Me: No sir.
Changed the subject
Me: Heya, how r u doing, I'd like to buy some stuff,
Friend that sells stuff: Hii, i'm good. How are you? are you pregnant now?
Me: Nope, i'm not
Him: Say 'not yet'
Me: oooo.k, anyway please get back to me on the items
Him: are you ok?
Me: Yup, i have to go now. Later
Ended Call
My Sis: Dad said i should tell to call him an that i should tell you he's getting old and needs a grandchild
Me: Waaaawuu. Seriously?? He said that? Lmao!! I can't. LOL. Well he has my number.
Tailor: Madam u don add o, abi u don chop 'beans' (are u pregnant)
Me: U no well, na holiday weight, abeg face ur work & finish the measurement. Beans ko Rice ni
Mum's aunt: Ma ko ba mi iwo omo yi (don't put me in trouble u this child)
Me: Ma?
Her: Ki lo n sele pelu oro oyun? (What is happening with u getting pregnant?)
Me: In God's time ma
Her: O je ma pa iro mo oloun ( U better don't tell lies against God)
Me: Laughs* ok. Very soon ma
Her: Jo o (Please o)
Me: Yes ma
Changed the subject
Boss' Friend: This woman you still never drop ne?
Me: No sir.
Changed the subject
Other Prayers i get regularly regarding pregnancy (i do not mind these though, prayers are always good)
-Prayers that involve fruitfulness, divine miracles,testimony, multiplication, addition, increase, etc.
-Ire a kari, ti e naa a de (the blessings will go round, your own will also come)
-May ur family multiply dis year
-Thiis time next year u'll celebrate with ur babies
-God's appointed time will be manifested in your life
-God will make the heavens open over all ur concerns
-You will live to see ur children and children's children surround u
-God's will for your life will be fulfilled
Things that prompt people to ask the 'are you pregnant', 'when will you get pregnant' questions or speculate that you MUST be pregnant
ANYTHING & NOTHING can make people speculate and ask if you are pregnant
or when you will be or that you are.
-If you have any type of illness (cold, catarrh, malaria, tummy ache, back ache, etc.) You will likely be asked. If you happen to vomit during the illness, everyone immediately concludes its morning sickness.
-If you mention that you don't feel so good
-If you add weight especially around the tummy
-If your bust or cleavage looks fuller
-If you admire/compliment any child or baby's even if its a picture (especially on social media)
-If you mention you have a craving
-If you don't wear makeup or look different
-If you look really nice in a fitted attire
-If you wear loose attires
-If you don't make ur hair
-If you mention that you have a hospital appointment
-If you mention that you feel tired or fatigued
-If you sleep a lot
-If you are eating too much food, too little food or complain about ur appetite
-If you congratulate someone that v gave birth
-If someone in your family or extended family or among your friends is pregnant or gives birth (especially if they got married around the same time or after you did-Wen ur cousin who married in July gives birth in August)
-If you attend family events and gatherings or go for a visit
-If someone hasn't seen or heard from you in a while
My Reactions to Baby Pressure
From the convos you read earlier you can already tell my reaction. It all depends on the person, my mood and the situation. I do the following:- Ignore them
- Avoid them
- Give them a piece of my mind (a.k.a School them)
- Shut them up (I tell them to mind their biz or somthing along those lines)
- Laugh them off
- Get Angry
- Engage them and explain
- Agree with them
My Ignoring & Avoiding game is 100%-I ignore some pics especially of babies and kids i'd love to like or comment on, avoid chatting/calling people that get me riled up on baby matter (and that's almost every family member).
I cherish my peace of mind and refuse to give it up for anything or anyone.
My General Thoughts on Having Kids and Baby Pressure
I thought about putting up this post after i have had a kid in case we do have fertility issues or complications in the future so people don't use it against me. However, I honestly don't care after giving it a lot of thought, my future is well guarded by God. It is strictly me and hubby's business afterall and I feel this needs to be said.
To the best of our medical knowledge we are both in good shape (not that its anyone's concern) to have a kid whenever we want to and i thank God 'cos it is not that simply & straightforward for some other couples. Even with that, some medically sound couples still struggle with having children.
What if hubby n i wanted kids immediately after marriage and were not able to have despite being certified medically ok? I can't imagine the strain that would have put on us so early in our marital life. Soo many what ifs and so many tins are out of our hands despite the path we choose. So here i am sharing my thoughts and baby pressure experience with my fellow 'newly weds' on here.
Am i still newly wed sef? IMO yessoooo #ForeverYoung #ForeveraBabyGyal
Am i still newly wed sef? IMO yessoooo #ForeverYoung #ForeveraBabyGyal
I read Tito Idakula's post on her Blog, IG and BellaNaija and my faith was renewed. I'm a generally optimistic person and think mostly good thoughts towards myself and family and will continue to do so.'
Mo ti ba oluwa mi soro pe laye mi mo ma se ori re gege bi ase re.
(I haven spoken with my God that in my life i will prosper, according to his will)
Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful."
For Outsiders-There is no need to put pressure on anyone about if or when they will have a kid. Simply put, it is not your business. Even if you are their close family/friend, parent or grandparent. Anyone will tell you that stress & anxiety is not good for any couple trying to have a kid and even if they are not it is certainly not good for their general health and well-being.
For the Couple-There is no need to put pressure on yourself, your spouse or each other about having a kid. It will amount to no good. It is God that gives children. I really hope that any couple thinking of marriage have seriously discussed and agreed on their stance regarding if and when they want to have kids and how many they would like. If there is that understanding, you can be a strong support system for each other against any issues that may arise and against outsiders. Are you only getting married because you want a kid? Do you see ur spouse as only a baby machine or sperm donor? It is critical to be able to answer these questions.
Newsflash- I do want to have kids and i do feel broody sometimes, especially when i see pics of glowing pregnant women,cute babies n kids,cute family portraits or even chilling with my friends or family with their kids and i daydream about having cute kids asap. Its not until someone asks me or makes a comment about it.
For the Couple-There is no need to put pressure on yourself, your spouse or each other about having a kid. It will amount to no good. It is God that gives children. I really hope that any couple thinking of marriage have seriously discussed and agreed on their stance regarding if and when they want to have kids and how many they would like. If there is that understanding, you can be a strong support system for each other against any issues that may arise and against outsiders. Are you only getting married because you want a kid? Do you see ur spouse as only a baby machine or sperm donor? It is critical to be able to answer these questions.
aren't these pics just making u want a kid like now!
However i have done my fair share of babysitting, i mean i've got about 30 uncles n aunts between my parents so u can imagine; i know for a fact and from their experience that having and raising kids is not a walk in the park, it is a huge responsibility. I have no fluttery illusions.
Most of our grandparents had a village on hand and our mothers most likely had family members and helps to assist but most modern-day mothers don't have such a trusted support system now, especially working mothers. The majority are left to rely on strangers in the form of nannies and house-helps and we have definitely heard or read about how some of them maltreat the kids in their care. This is also one of the reasons some couples wait out having kids, so one of them can be available to stay home and keep a proper eye on the kids.
I am grateful to have had the opportunity and time to bond more with my spouse, there are hurdles we have made it through together during these times that having a child involved would have most likely complicated wayy moree. Of course one can never be prepared enough for a kid but that doesn't mean rushing into it either. There are experiences in life that make us more mature, ready and even thankful to take on some things regardless of the challenges they may come with and i believe marriage, pregnancy and raising a child(ren) are some of these things.
What have i done during this 'wait period'? I have lived my life, had fun, done pre-pregnancy research, improved our lifestyle(diet,exercise,etc.), bonded n created lovely memories with my partner, built my career n explored other sources of income, planned financially towards having a kid, discussed at length possible home/life changes, discussed with other new moms on their experience, etc.
Everyone harps on about the woman's biological clock running out with age, it is true but i'm not falling for that afterall i'm still quite young (i have a few more years till i hit 30-35). Science has come a long way in helping with fertility and these include freezing eggs, artificial insemination, etc. Yes it may be more difficult to be carrying a pregnancy at an older age but it is not rocket science or impossible, it depends on what you have decided as a couple. There are many benefits to having your kids young and immediately after marriage but there are also Benefits of waiting till you are older to have kids. You can create a pre-pregnacy bucket list even.
I know couples who have had a kid immediately after marriage and enjoyed the process immensely, it has even created a tighter bond between them and i also know couples that divorced or were on the verge of getting a divorce for the same reason. They could not handle the mental, financial and emotional strain. A child changes ones life immensely and i do not think it is a decision to be taken lightly. It just shows that every couple is different and should not be forced/pressured to go down a certain path for the pleasure of others.
That there are people that are waiting or have waited, spending or have spent, praying or have prayed for children from their womb does not mean you should be in a hurry to have yours.
Don't live your life based on other people, we are not all yoked with the same burdens.
CRITICAL QUESTIONS TO ASK OURSELVES
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| I want these kinda adorable pics too!! |
What have i done during this 'wait period'? I have lived my life, had fun, done pre-pregnancy research, improved our lifestyle(diet,exercise,etc.), bonded n created lovely memories with my partner, built my career n explored other sources of income, planned financially towards having a kid, discussed at length possible home/life changes, discussed with other new moms on their experience, etc.
Everyone harps on about the woman's biological clock running out with age, it is true but i'm not falling for that afterall i'm still quite young (i have a few more years till i hit 30-35). Science has come a long way in helping with fertility and these include freezing eggs, artificial insemination, etc. Yes it may be more difficult to be carrying a pregnancy at an older age but it is not rocket science or impossible, it depends on what you have decided as a couple. There are many benefits to having your kids young and immediately after marriage but there are also Benefits of waiting till you are older to have kids. You can create a pre-pregnacy bucket list even.
I know couples who have had a kid immediately after marriage and enjoyed the process immensely, it has even created a tighter bond between them and i also know couples that divorced or were on the verge of getting a divorce for the same reason. They could not handle the mental, financial and emotional strain. A child changes ones life immensely and i do not think it is a decision to be taken lightly. It just shows that every couple is different and should not be forced/pressured to go down a certain path for the pleasure of others.
That there are people that are waiting or have waited, spending or have spent, praying or have prayed for children from their womb does not mean you should be in a hurry to have yours.
Don't live your life based on other people, we are not all yoked with the same burdens.
CRITICAL QUESTIONS TO ASK OURSELVES
- Why do u want to know someone's pregnancy status before they choose to share it with u?
- What key role will u play in the pregnancy status e.g. can u make them pregnant if they are not?
- What will you do with your knowledge of the pregnancy status?
- Is there a prize for trying to decipher and point out if someone is pregnant?
- Will the couple appreciate whatever input you think you can make with regards to this?
- What if they are going through a difficult time or complications?
- If you were in their position, how would you feel and/or react?
- What significant role and contribution will you play and make, if they are pregnant?
- How present will you be for them during the pregnancy period and after childbirth?
- What significant role and contribution will you play in the child's life,
I reoriented my mind and answered the critical questions above. There are exceptions of course, people you are very close with and will share their decisions with you or their challenges and lean on you but even in such cases, your approach is still very important.
I have come to a place that i know if they choose to share the news with me early, then they do. What difference does it make? I can only be happy for them, buy them cute baby stuff (depending on how close we are), be there for them emotionally, lobby for godmother position and basically be a good supportive friend. I can still be all these things though even after d bump shows. Hearing it from someone or Seeing the bump myself before they acknowledge they are pregnant shouldn't change how happy i am or me praying for them to have a safe delivery of a healthy child.
People have soooo many reasons for not letting friends n even family know early whether or not they are pregnant and we should be able to respect their decisions without putting pressure on them. For some it is personal preference or it may be a high risk pregnancy or both parents are busy praying to be blessed with their bundle of joy or they may have suffered through a miscarriage(s), superstitions, fear, family planning and they might just well be living their life happy-go-lucky mode. There are soooo many reasons. Typically pregnancy is considered viable after the first trimester (3 months).
I know people who have suffered miscarriages and shared with me without me asking any questions and i was there for them and uplifted them as much as i could, for some their bodies had already started going through changes and they had to relive their pain the more people asked them questions. I was thankful i did not go 'oh ur face and bust are fuller, baby don set abi' or something along those lines. I have made such mistakes in the past, my friend had confided in me and i was so excited for her! When i eventually saw her i kept making reference to how she was glowing and how i couldn't wait to see her baby, she had to call me aside and tell me that she had lost the baby but still had the baby weight and other symptoms, i felt extremely terrible and that's towards someone that had shared the news with me. Of course the next time she got pregnant, she took her sweet time before telling anyone and who can blame her for that?
The main moral of my post is to enligthen us to be sensitive and conscious in these situations and to also let my fellow married couples know how the typical Nigerian society functions and the baby pressure that comes after marriage.
Don't bombard married couples with baby pressure by asking these questions and even if you want to ask those you are close to, there are careful conscious approaches to make sure they understand you are asking from a place of love and care. If they have chosen not to have kids, respect their decisions instead of constantly asking if and when they'll change their mind; If its family planning, respect their decision; If they are going through difficulties, respect their situation and be there to uplift them as much as they are comfortable with. Whatever the situation, put yourself in their shoes and respect them.Also i'm aware most people stigmatize you or shame you if you are not the biological parent of a child even when you raise such a child to the best of your ability. It is indeed very sad. There are soooo many children in the world that are in need of love, affection and a home to be raised. Soo many orphanages, children shelters, motherless babies homes and the likes. Why is it only ok to make donations to such places but a taboo for someone without a child to adopt? The Nigerian society mainly preaches that it is only ok for you to adopt after you have had children from your womb and even if all your children are adopted it should be kept a secret otherwise they will be treated as outcasts by the extended family. I honestly cannot understand our society.
A child is a child.
Whether the child(ren) came into your family through surrogacy, adoption or any other means considered to be uncoventional.The major focus should be that you are a good parent and raise your child(ren) to the best of your ability.
I would also like to add that people that have just one child also face baby pressure, asking them when or why they haven't had another child is insensitive. They may have had struggles and challenges having their current child that you are not privy too or have been struggling to have another or are simply satisfied with having one child. Negative commentary and name-calling which is prevalent in our society is totally uncivilised.
People will say having one child is as good as having none per-chance something terrible happens and they lose that one child. Death is inevitable and can happen at any time to anyone, some people lose all their children in one day in terrible situations while someone that have just one child will have grandchildren. Nothing is set in stone so we have to change our mindset.
Once u have your child through whatever means you choose, you now have the responsibility to become a good parent to that child and that is what i believe qualifies anyone to be called a Parent, not just your contribution to conception. We all know there are terrible parents (fathers and mothers) out there that a child would be way better off without.
Our Major Considerations/Activities before having a child
- Pre-baby Research- (Good Hospitals, Interacting with new mums/dads & old mums/dads, reading books, blogs, websites; watching videos and googling, etc.). Check out Ummi's post on things to do before getting pregnant, there are other similar posts (a.k.a preconception care) online. I intend to do a separate post on my research so far.
- Full day/night babysitting for a friend or family member's kid without calling on the parents
- Actively host a friend with a baby or young child at ur house to get a little feel of what its like (The baby crying almost did our head in and gave us a new perspective)
- Medical Examination
- Improved Lifestyle (Diet & Exercise)
- Living situation
- Finances & Career plan
- Create a pre-pregnancy list of things/experiences/memories you can only enjoy as a couple and start doing them
- Birth Plan
- Being Hands-on parents
Random Thoughts about having a child
- I wonder a lot the kind of mother and parents we'll be
- How much our lives will change
- How much our relationship will change
- How much my body will change
- How well we will adjust to all these changes
- The kind of world we live in today and raising a child amidst such
- Top of my prayers is a healthy child.
These considerations and thoughts are not to frighten anyone but instead help you understand and be somewhat prepared for what may soon be your reality. It doesn't mean that some challenges may not still arise even after you think you've done the needful or that you won't have it smooth sailing.
Family Planning & Birth Control
There are different forms of family planning and birth control methods, i'd advise any couple that want to seriously take this step to consult with their doctor to recommend the best options. These are the types i'm conversant with and you can read more about some of them here, here and here; They are broadly divided into 3 categories:
There are different forms of family planning and birth control methods, i'd advise any couple that want to seriously take this step to consult with their doctor to recommend the best options. These are the types i'm conversant with and you can read more about some of them here, here and here; They are broadly divided into 3 categories:
-Natural Family Planning [NFP] (This comprises of the family planning methods approved by the Catholic Church)
We have been practising natural methods which is our preference and it has worked great for us so far.
I know some churches are against family planning and birth control because they believe the sole purpose of sex is to procreate or that birth control/contraception is a form of murder, which is a sin but i do not agree with such doctrines. It insinuates that the sole purpose of marriage is sex aimed at procreation and that there is no fulfilment otherwise and that's not my understanding from the bible {Gen 1:18-25; Eph 5:31-33}.
I know some churches are against family planning and birth control because they believe the sole purpose of sex is to procreate or that birth control/contraception is a form of murder, which is a sin but i do not agree with such doctrines. It insinuates that the sole purpose of marriage is sex aimed at procreation and that there is no fulfilment otherwise and that's not my understanding from the bible {Gen 1:18-25; Eph 5:31-33}.
Genesis 1:28 is a blessing.
It does not refer to what humans must do to please God, but to what God does for and through humankind. "God blessed them, and God said unto them, 'Be fruitful and multiply...'" (KJV). Fertility is not a command but a blessing that God gives to his creatures, to animals as well as humans (Gen. 1:22). Read more here.
Fertility & Pregnancy
- Natural Insemination
- Artificial Insemination
- Assisted Reproduction a.k.a Fertility Treatments (in Nigeria, read , here, here, here, here and here)
-Surrogacy (read more) and more.
- Adoption
- Fertility Preservation
There are people who married very young, medically sound and started trying for a baby and years on are still trying. I pray God will fulfil their heart desires; there are also those that waited till they felt they were ready enough and immediately got pregnant. Everyone's experience is different.
Having a child is a full-time responsibility, please don't go start the process just for the sake of it or because of pressure. In most cases you and your spouse will be totally on your own in raising the child, so think carefully before making your decision. Do not commit your life to any random person just to have a child asap, marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment and getting hitched to the wrong person is a recipe for disaster with or without kids.
Please DO NOT ever stigmatize any couple that cannot or don't want to have kids especially the woman, whether you think its their fault or not or the wrong choice and regardless of info about their life that u may be privy to. It is simply not your business.
So many couples especially the women struggle, soo many hurting, oppressed, depressed, abused, enduring and suffering in silence.
If it is ordained that you will have a child(ren) and live to meet your grandchild(ren), great-grandchild(ren) and even great-great-grandchild(ren), it will happen. Children are a gift from God.
I leave you with these verses of scripture-
Eccl 9:11 "...the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong..."
Isa 55:8-11 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord..."
Psalms 56 "What time i am afraid, i will trust in thee. In God i will praise his word, in God i have put my trust; i will not fear what flesh can do unto me..."
Rom 8: 28 "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
I Thess 5:16-18 "...In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."
Habakkuk 3:17-19 "...yet i will rejoice in the Lord, i will joy in the God of my salvation..."
Hebrews 4:14 "Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession."
1 Peter 5:7 "Casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you."
Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
You are not a failure or a shame or inadequate, having a child or not does not define you.
God and your complete faith in him is the key to your peace & joy.
Toodles!XooX
